Fear in Disguise
While going forward with projects I sometimes make excuses for not stretching myself or not thinking bigger, or not sharing my work. For a while I thought my reasoning was valid, but now I catch my evasions quicker and more often. They come from the fear of trying something new, putting myself out there, being seen, or being heard. They are fears of failure and risk of exposure.
It’s an ingrained tendency to forget that exposure and failure aren’t bad. They’re just things in life, and without them I don’t grow. The fear of them is so established that instead of feeling the apprehension, it rears its head in the form of sneaky excuses that seem sound.
Sometimes I’ll use mock humility as an excuse. I don’t need to be a show off. We don’t need another voice among the millions making a fuss out there. Why is what I have to share any more interesting than what anyone else has to say?
Another seemingly humble explanation for not stretching out is to blame it on materialism. We don’t need more stuff in the world. Spiritual people work anonymously and without expectation of reward. What is success anyway? Aren’t I just as worthy of love if I’m sitting on the couch?
Fear also gets sneaky for me when I claim I don’t want to be one of those people. The ones who work too hard. Who are pushy and stressed. The ones who care more about putting out a sparkly persona than they care about making a quality offering or being themselves.
All of the excuses I listed have one thing in common. They are focusing outside of myself. There’s the show offs and the spiritual people and the workaholics all setting a good or bad example, and the reasons for my actions are controlled by them.
It’s all just Fear being sneaky. If I’m honest, my work and how I offer it has nothing to do with other people. Things outside me are a convenient justification for not being ready to look at wounds that need tending. I’ll have a hard time moving forward as long as they fester.
One way to face the fear is to recall and get in touch with all the times it hurt when I failed or was exposed. In my case, my ego took over a project when I was in my 20s. I acted foolishly in front of others and caused them to look unfavorably on me. I walked away ashamed.
Revealing and paying attention to the origin of the pain frees me from its power over me. What was unconscious is now conscious, and has less of a chance to rule my actions. As for the shame from the old incident, I can forgive myself for being young and overzealous and lacking experience that would have given me humility.
This healing leads to me seeing failure and exposure in a different way. They are both powerful teachers.
To stretch and think big and share my work is not a requirement. But if the thought of them leads to an avalanche of excuses, they bid investigation at least. Creativity shows up first as curiosity, and if I’m experiencing it, I may as well take a peek. With the fearful excuses lessened, I can open the door a crack.
Once I’m stretching I’ll have a new vista to investigate. It may contain more excuses of a different variety, but I can contend with those, too. It will surely lead to shift in perspective that will make it even more clear how distorted my old blame and shame justifications were. To see my previous delusions with clarity and be free of them is not only a reward for my courage, but a gift I can share with others who are trapped by sneaky pretexts.
I’m off to stretch and share. May you do the same, or at least see why you’re afraid to. I’ve love to hear and see you.
